A Hummer Limo: The Rolling Party (weird shit happens)

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, and swear several times for dramatic effect: some weird fucking shit happens to me. Seriously. Even when I am at home, sitting in my basement, playing modern warfare 2 and drinking whiskey at 1 in the morning, while my family slumber; strange happenings find me.  So you say, “Taylor, just because you say it doesn’t make it true?” Well first, fuck you, it is true, as I will illustrate if you decide to continue reading further. Second……i forget what was coming second, but read on if you wish to hear a tale of strangeness, terror, freestyle rap battles, and a stretch limo hum-v.

So there I was, being a nerd, playing video games in my basement, sipping on some whiskey and minding my own business, when from outside I hear a ruckus — dear reader, it could even be described as a “mother-fucking-ruckus”. Much like the old christmas poem, The Night Before Christmas, I sprang from my bed (it was really a bean bag), to see what was the matter. Also unlike the christmas poem, I grabbed my aluminum baseball bat.

Of all the things that could be outside making noise, the last thing that I expected was what was awaiting me right out in front of my driveway. No, it wasn’t Santa and his 12 reindeer, but it was about as long as santa and his trusty horned friends. Sitting right out front is a white, stretch limo, hummer. In the middle of my street are a bunch of African-Americans kids, who I guess are either in their late teens or early twenties. They are dressed like they just came from some party, prom perhaps. Jay-Z’s New York is blaring from the sound system, and the light from a disco ball that is mounted in the automotive atrocity before me is spilling out onto my block. I briefly think to myself, “Taylor, I think you’ve had way too much to drink.” But as a rap battle breaks out before me, in the middle of my street, I realize that this is really fucking happening, right in front of me, in the middle of the night, in front of my house of all places.

Party Goer\Rap Battle Enthusiast # 1: “I came to rip it like this son, I bring the pain, and I don’t need no fucking gun son.”

3 or 4 bystanders: ” Damn fool, that shits off the chain.”

Party Goer\Rap Battle Enthusiast # 2: “Your moms was a whore, your grandmammas was too, them old bitches should have straight aborted you.”

3 or 4 bystanders: “shit, that was cold son, DAAAAAMMMN!”

I am standing there watching this all go down, with my bat in hand and my jaw on the floor. They haven’t even noticed that I am standing there. And as amusing as this all is in a surreal way, it is like 2 in the morning, and the old man in me is about to come out in full force. But before I can open my mouth, about 4 or 5 women pour out of the limo, and being to grind the young gentleman having the rap-off.

My life has just turned into a music video. The only thing going through my mind is: What the FUCK!??

Now I have had it. Seriously. Were these people just cruising down the street, and instantly had the urge to have a freestyle rap battle\dance-off and just couldn’t wait, so they pulled over, looked at my house and said, “well gents, this looks like the place for us to have our battle of vebal wits and get jiggy with our lady friends as well?” People still say the word jiggy right? Well, I just did.

I was about to speak up, and tell them to get the fuck out of my neighborhood, when about 6 or 7 more people spill out of the vehicle. I wonder to myself, how many people are in that beast? Rather than get my small, skinny ass beat by a group of drunken teens, I decide that I will just go inside and call the police. As I am retreating back to my humble abode, I hear someone say, “you see that white boy, he was about to talk some shit, then I guess he wised up?” This is of course is followed by a bunch of hysterical laughing.

And he was right. I wised up. As quickly as the roving party arrived, it was gone off to another neighborhood, perhaps to continue stunning the inhabitants of a random neighborhood in Denver with their verbal prowess . I barely had enough time to go and wake my wife up to make her look out the window, just so she would believe me the next day. Of course she just said, “you woke me up for that?” Of course I woke her up for that, it was bizarre.

To this day, months later, it seems totally surreal. It was as if the movies 8 mile and Step Up To The Streets were both having a wrap\rap party on wheels.  Really, does shit like this happen to anyone else, or am I just blessed with weirdness?